I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

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My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.


Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.


Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.


*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”


I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.


ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever