I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive


me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something


Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.


Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.


ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?