@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

You Might Also Like

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@bridger_w

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.

@Darlainky

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@dubstep4dads

*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”

@thechrisschmidt

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@jonnysun

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever