I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.