I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
You Might Also Like
car not found
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash