Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

San Francisco has too many rules

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy