@ktoab

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

- @ktoab

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@McGrumpenstein

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

@Book_Krazy

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@carlyken

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@NYC_Blonde

I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.

@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@ThatMummyLife

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers