I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…