I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans