Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did