I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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all that yoga finally paid off
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
how high up are we talkin’?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war