I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
You Might Also Like
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
watergate? u mean a dam??
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito