I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
You Might Also Like
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
starting a garage orchestra
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
