Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

How all things should be taught/explained.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.