I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
You Might Also Like
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Fiction has to make sense.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.