I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.