I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
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This is my emotional support knife.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.