I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Posting this on behalf of a friend
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.