I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Jupiter
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I just tested negative for patience.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Bit chilly again tonight.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination