I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
