I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
