I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.