I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?