I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday