Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

mood

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.