I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Smile they said.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.