I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Covert ops
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.