I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
🙂🐾