I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’