I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
2023 was just a warmup
(2022)
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
<—- homeless romantic
Fight
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious