I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.