I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Noah
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.