Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.