I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Mood.. 😂
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.