Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Great acting.. 😂

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Did a trash talking tree write this?

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!