Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

*aggressively waits in line*

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.