Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store