I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
very niche meme I made
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?