Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

If you want my opinion ask my wife

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

🤣🤣💀

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?