I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.


This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.


ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”


Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.


I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.