I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I think this cat is broken
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.