@RunOldMan

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

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@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

@Mr_Kapowski

This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”

@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@robin_991

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.