I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
pizza
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!