I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I enjoy a good short stor
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry