I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not