Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?