Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people