Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

This was the best day of my life

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Banking tips

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial