I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Taco Bell, Exit 22
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
This is me 🤣🤣
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what