I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Möther may I have a snäck
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so