I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.