I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.