I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
This is so wrong 😂
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.