I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive