Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

seriously you guys

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown