Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.