I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.