I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”