I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
what it’s like dating me:
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.