@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

- @dumbbeezie

You Might Also Like

@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

@ciarasmith91

Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA
*got BA
Jobs: you need 5yrs experience
*5years later
Jobs: You need a MA
*Got MA
Jobs: we need some1 young

@LizHackett

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@DrakeGatsby

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

@Parker_Simpson

Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy