I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”