I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.