I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers