I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I hope this email finds you in a well
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.