I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I triple waxed for this?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
