I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
👾👾👾
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter