I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
same energy
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?