Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.