I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
You Might Also Like
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
🤣🤣🤣
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude