I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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Sorry. Not sorry
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out