Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.