I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
This came to me in a dream.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.