I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”