Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now