I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
You Might Also Like
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.