I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
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How does one answer this?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.