I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
umm…
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
lumberjacks will cut a birch
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated