“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game