i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed