Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.