Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I finally found a reason to live again.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Alexa, make me look good naked.

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?